Oh, I Didn't See You There

Sometimes it’s a good thing that I don’t keep up with stuff here. Because while this is supposed to be an accounting of my life, the bottom line is if it’s not amusing, no one cares. And sometimes I just don’t feel funny. Sometimes I feel anxious, or sad, or unusual, or like a carebear. And carebears aren’t really witty, they’re just cheerful. Which isn’t all that interesting.

For example, here are a few posts I would have written this past week:

Sunday – Last Night My Mom Hit On A Homosexual Waiter
SYNOPSIS: That’s about it.
EMOTION: Anxious

Monday – Why I Love My Staple Remover
SYNOPSIS: Because it’s tortoise shell, and not enough things are.
EMOTION: Anxious

Tuesday – I Had Donuts For Lunch Today
SYNOPSIS: They were delicious.
EMOTION: Gross

Wednesday – Everyone Should Stop Making Fun of Billy Ray Cyrus Because When We’re Married It Will Be Awkward
SYNOPSIS: He's Miley Cyrus' dad, jerk. Remember the mullet &, "Achy Breaky Heart?"
EMOTION: Carebear

See? Why waste your time with 2,000 superfluous words?

Besides, I don’t know what sort of white rabbit we’re chasing anyway with all this writing and sharing. Take Rastus for example. Rastus is the guy on the Cream of Wheat Box. But Rastus is just a depiction of a real man, Frank “Irony” White, a chef who posed for the box way back in 1900 when Cream of Wheat was actually made solely by black men in hats named Rastus.

Then, in 1938, White passed away, a virtual unknown, with a blank gravestone. The man is on the Cream of Wheat box and he can’t even get a friggin “RIP, Rastus. Keep on creamin’ that wheat up in the Big Kitchen”? Finally, almost 70 years later, some guy named Jesse Lasorda started a campaign to get him a proper gravestone with an etching of the Cream of Wheat box on it.

My point being, if the face of Cream of Wheat can fade off into obscurity, even when it’s right there on the shelf next to the Farina kid’s face (whose name, by the way, no one knows – maybe it’s just a warm breakfast cereal curse?) then what’s the point of blogging?I like to aim all my actions at being remembered after I die, because let’s face it I’m into the “big picture” stuff. So if I have limited resources with which to entertain and an open-ended timeline for failure, why do I keep on trying?

30 Things I've Learned By The Time I'm 30

I will be turning 30 in exactly two weeks. I should wait to post this list, but, I'll probably forget it by then. Thirty is the starting point for dementia. Unlike most sitcom characters and women on Jdate, I'm not afraid of turning 30. But at the same time, I'm not pumped up about it.

But 30 is a good opportunity to take a look back and survey the scene. See what you've done (got molested by an NFL football player - true story), what you haven't (ridden a tiger), and, most importantly, what you've learned.

1. God loves me just the way I am, but He loves me too much to let me stay the way I am.

2. No, you'll never use all that math you learned; and if you have to, there's an app for that.

3. A woman should have either a man or a dog.

4. The best way to settle an argument between two friends is to make a preposterous argument yourself so that they will be forced to align against you. For example, if two girls are arguing over which one has the better fashion sense, you claim that you have the best fashion sense and they will join forces to mock your Pumas.

5. Yogurt is much more delicious than you remember it being.

6. Oatmeal is not.

7. You don't take movie recommendations from the ticket seller, so why take food recommendations from your waiter?

8. Have music on. At all times.

9. Never ask a woman the same question twice, but always inquire more than once. Use different words, and follow the second answer.

10. If you have to punch someone, do it in the nose.

11. Liquor will make you do stupid stuff. I mean...really stupid stuff.

12. Read the hard books.

13. Don't wear socks if you don't have to.

14. Relax, no one's going to poke their eye out.

15. A list of things not worth the extra money: orchestra seats, organic cucumbers, designer underwear (men only), imported Swiss cheese, premium gasoline, brand name recordable CDs, a porn website membership, hardcover books, long-lasting batteries, valet parking, additional identity theft protection, souvenir cups, next-day delivery.

16. Something you wouldn't think is worth the extra money but is: premium paper towels.

17. Poetry is for reading, not writing.

18. There's nothing better than a good action movie.

19. Men only make compliments for two reasons: they really mean it, or they want in your pants. Take your time discerning which one it is.

20. Macaroni and cheese can heal a broken heart.

21. Sometimes judging a book by its cover is just a good time saver.

22. On a road trip, the person not driving has an inherent responsibility to navigate regardless of how tired they might be. Conversely, the driver has an inherent responsibility to know where the heck they are going.

23. Yes to writing love letters. No to quoting song lyrics in them.

24. Every relationship is allowed two and only two break-ups.

25. Avoid movie quotes and the people who use them to describe complex personal emotions. (eg. I don't know if I should take the job. But it's like Andy Dufrense says: Get busy living or get busy dying.)

26. Overrated: High heels. Underrated: Bare feet.

27. There's no point in having a credit card without a rewards program.

28. Television is not bad for you.

29. Vegetables over fruit.

30. Two words: face moisturizer.